regression | KENOS ✦ COMMUNION

[ JUST EXERCISE AND COME BACK

And because there are rocks rattling around in his head, Dokja doesn't get it. They had no reason to go as far as they did, jeopardizing their lives again after everything they've already been through for... For what?

For someone like him?

He can't dare to think it, the thrum of something he knows he doesn't deserve threatening to break through the surface from its murky depths where Dokja had shoved it far down. To where he thought it was lost to time and an overwhelming sense of guilt. It's not his to feel. Instead, he turns his focus to this far more pressing concern. ]

I don't care what I have to do. I'll bring you back to this side whether you want it or not.

[ Dokja was always part of their broken and tattered family and he has never doubted that. It’s hard to imagine their company without him, as he is the glue that brings them together. Its his memory that lets them wake up the next morning and trudge on. Joonghyuk knows from bits and pieces why Dokja is this way, but isn’t sure how to reach him.

Words were never his strong point, no matter how protagonist he’s written. In the end, it’s come to this: two idiots wondering if the other understands. ]

Why.

[ Why.

Because Dokja wants to believe that if their positions were reversed, Yoo Joonghyuk would do the same for him. Because that's what saving people entails, because they're trapped in an endless cycle of trying to save the other. Because this is Yoo Joonghyuk, who belongs on the side where they can all be together.

And because Dokja has missed him.

But he doesn't say any of that. ]

The longer you stay there, the more you'll lose yourself.

I didn't lose myself in those years you were gone.

[ And he believes he won't lose himself here. As long as his companions are here, he's sure he won't lose himself. Joonghyuk's sure he'll return, sure that they'll bring him back if the worst happens. How can you become lost when there's a bright northern star and it bathes you in its light? Memories of the past help him march forward.

But there's a part of him that wonders who is he? Who is Yoo Joonghyuk after the scenarios—who is he when Kim Dokja, the reader of his story, isn't there? That is what he has to decide on his own. He will have to carve that path here in Horos, starting with bringing back what he must protect: their world, their family, and Kim Dokja.

(He misses him, too. They all did, but he says none of this.) ]

... Things have changed.

[ They are both different people. ]

[ Damn, what happened in the years when Dokja was gone? Sounds like it wasn't pleasant. :(

Frustration bleeds to the surface of their Communion, as well as the sinking of Dokja's heart. He knows better than anyone to have expected this. A stubborn bastard through and through, and he hates the touch of comfort it brings him. Maybe some things have changed, but not all. ]

You're still the same idiot bastard.

[ The Yoo Joonghyuk who made it possible for Kim Dokja to live. ]

So don't do anything stupid before I get there.

And you're still a fool.

[ It's low yet so heated. In the end, no matter how much he misses Dokja, he's still upset. He can't forget the anger, or else he wouldn't be able to raise his blade.

A sense that Joonghyuk thinks that Dokja must have done plenty of stupid stuff since he came here. When has Dokja not? He thinks back to how he escaped to the 73rd Demon Realm, taking on his name, masquerading as him... Yes, it was useful, but trouble all the same. ]

... How did you imagine us living with that conclusion? Tell me.

[ What was the vision? What was his life supposed to be like? ]

[ Ah, but he hadn't imagined it. He hadn't dared to do so, too afraid of the excruciating pain that would have followed knowing he could never be there with them.

No, he did what he had to do and then refused to look on. ]

I didn't.

[ He's surprisingly honest this time, and maybe it's a selfish answer. Maybe it's not what Yoo Joonghyuk wants to hear, but it's the truth. There wasn't any strength in him to bear witness to a conclusion that didn't include him in it. ]

I trusted that you would all find your way.

… We found our way.

[ They chose regression. Dokja says he knows that and Joonghyuk cements it. In the end, they saw a path back to him… That’s where they saw they belonged, where Dokja continues to deny them.

Right by his side. ]

It wasn’t the wrong path.

[ The same protest from before dies in his throat. Will it matter what he has to say? In the end, he couldn't stop them, and in many ways, he had known they'd do something like this.

But a group regression... Dokja still can't wrap his head around it. It makes the despair feel that much heavier in his heart, once again bearing the responsibility as the source of their hardships, but underneath that, is the desire to know. This is a story he hadn't been privy to.

He's afraid of the answer. But not so much that he can't quietly ask, ]

... How far did you get...?

[ ... The last time Dokja inquired him the happenings of their companions, he had indulged him. He indulged him because he believed Dokja deserved to know how his loved ones were doing. Now he's given that choice again. There's silence as he deliberates. ]

... To the very end. [ In his mind, he can picture that train car, but fortunately this connection is too unstable to share imagery. ] The 1865th regression round was almost perfect.

[ Ultimately, Joonghyuk isn't heartless, but he's pressed enough to withhold detail. ]

[ To the very end.

Almost perfect.

It's Dokja's turn for silence, and it stretches on for so very long. His heart aches in such a way that he thinks it could tear itself into countless pieces, scattering them the way he'd wanted himself to when he'd pressed his fingers against the glass of the subway train in a desperate attempt to get the pain to stop. It hurts now more than ever, knowing what they'd done.

And with it, the faintest flicker of longing. ]

It must have been hard for everyone.

... The hard part was reaching the end.

[ The scenarios weren't easy, but they were easier. The pain and suffering inflicted upon them were nothing in comparison to what they had to witness in the train car, the words given to them by that reader's protector.

Sorrow seeps in, deep enough that maybe ghosts of it can be felt through the unstable connection. It's longing returned. ]

You won't change your mind.

[ He can imagine. Not a clear picture, but enough of one to know. While Dokja isn't certain how time works after being dropped into Horos, he vividly remembers the fragile mental state he'd been before arriving here.

The fragile mental state he's in now. ]

I won't.

[ There's a smile in his voice. Tired, but small and fond. ]

It wouldn't be like me if I did. You know that.

[ Fool. Joonghyuk doesn’t enjoy how comforting it is to hear the other man be insufferable and aggravating—he just wants to wring him by the neck. He doesn’t like how comfortable it is in this flavor of misery.

But it’s all that he’s known, isn’t it? Hope. Despite scattered pieces, the dark abyss, the future he doesn’t know… Hope breaks him, then builds him up again. ]

I’ll drag you home.

[ However many times he needs to—however many times he can. To protect all he should protect, to affirm who he is and his purpose, to live happily like he and their companions rightfully deserve, he will suffer. ]

Heed my warning.

[ Don’t stand in his way. ]

[ Home... It almost sounds possible when Joonghyuk says it, and Dokja tries to ignore the way his heart thumps a little louder in his chest at the declaration.

If anyone could do it, then...

Ah. He catches himself before he thinks about it any more than he already has. Whatever their chances may be, he knows it's not with the Kenoma. ]

I'll see you when I see you.

[ For now, he'll choose to ignore what Joonghyuk says, and he'll cut off their Communion here. ]

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