joonghyuk "listen up fives, a ten is speaking" yoo (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
regression) wrote2022-08-09 07:16 pm
regression) wrote2022-08-09 07:16 pmKENOS ✦ COMMUNION
there may be spoilers in threads with dokja and sooyoung for late novel.
regression) wrote2022-08-09 07:16 pm
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He's stunned into silence, parts of him wanting to argue that it's because of his decisions that everything's worked out the way it has, that the scenarios are over, that the Star Stream is gone, but he holds his tongue. Saying such a thing won't help his situation now. ]
The Regent is lying to you.
[ The way Dokja has also done countless times, but it's different, isn't it? He has to think so. ]
They made you drink something, didn't they? It's messing with your mind. You're not thinking straight.
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Even without that vial, I would take the gamble. If they're lying, I'm left with nothing. If I side with Pleroma, I'm left with nothing.
[ Joonghyuk: in the end, it doesn't even matter. However: ]
If the Regent isn't lying, I can rewrite our conclusion.
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[ A burst of anger to rival Joonghyuk's own lances through their Communion and Dokja doesn't care. He's panicking, no Fourth Wall to temper his mind, and all he can think about is how this can't be right. He can't have Yoo Joonghyuk on the side of the Kenoma, he can't.
He inhales shakily and that, too, can be felt through their unique connection. ]
Han Sooyoung told me... About the group regression. I didn't want that.
[ Crazy. Idiots. How could they think to go through that again...? His heart is breaking at the thought of it. ]
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They saw the answer themselves, didn't they? But to hear it. ]
You said you wished to be saved.
[ More than once. Dokja had told him, Sooyoung, and Heewon when the indescribable distance returned to overtake the apocalypse dragon. Again, Dokja behind that wall said to them he wished to be saved—he wanted to see the conclusion with them. Together. All he uttered was three words behind that black wall, but Joonghyuk and the rest of their companions interpreted it how they wanted. ]
Now you are saying we thought wrong. [ ... ] That our choice and our actions were meaningless.
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But to this Dokja, that dream had died thousands upon thousands of years ago. It was a hope he had wished to ensure for the other half of him, even if he knew they would eventually figure it out. Even if he knew they would never be satisfied with the results, it was still something. ]
They weren't meaningless.
[ The fire that had been stoked dies down as quickly as it had come, and Dokja's answering message is quiet, exhaustion weighing down his tone. ]
But that was a long time ago for me. Things have changed.
[ New revelations had surfaced, lines had been crossed, a question he had always known the answer to discovered. They can't go back. He can't go back. Not after everything that's happened. ]
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… We went through hell again for you. [ … ] I would do it again if there’s a chance to bring you home.
[ Dokja keeps thinking he knows it all, that he did this all for them, but in the end they’re unhappy. Alive, surviving instead of living after the scenarios.
Much like Dokja didn’t want to be saved, they didn’t want this conclusion he gave them. ]
Don’t stand in my way.
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And because there are rocks rattling around in his head, Dokja doesn't get it. They had no reason to go as far as they did, jeopardizing their lives again after everything they've already been through for... For what?
For someone like him?
He can't dare to think it, the thrum of something he knows he doesn't deserve threatening to break through the surface from its murky depths where Dokja had shoved it far down. To where he thought it was lost to time and an overwhelming sense of guilt. It's not his to feel. Instead, he turns his focus to this far more pressing concern. ]
I don't care what I have to do. I'll bring you back to this side whether you want it or not.
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Words were never his strong point, no matter how protagonist he’s written. In the end, it’s come to this: two idiots wondering if the other understands. ]
Why.
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Because Dokja wants to believe that if their positions were reversed, Yoo Joonghyuk would do the same for him. Because that's what saving people entails, because they're trapped in an endless cycle of trying to save the other. Because this is Yoo Joonghyuk, who belongs on the side where they can all be together.
And because Dokja has missed him.
But he doesn't say any of that. ]
The longer you stay there, the more you'll lose yourself.
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[ And he believes he won't lose himself here. As long as his companions are here, he's sure he won't lose himself. Joonghyuk's sure he'll return, sure that they'll bring him back if the worst happens. How can you become lost when there's a bright northern star and it bathes you in its light? Memories of the past help him march forward.
But there's a part of him that wonders who is he? Who is Yoo Joonghyuk after the scenarios—who is he when Kim Dokja, the reader of his story, isn't there? That is what he has to decide on his own. He will have to carve that path here in Horos, starting with bringing back what he must protect: their world, their family, and Kim Dokja.
(He misses him, too. They all did, but he says none of this.) ]
... Things have changed.
[ They are both different people. ]
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Frustration bleeds to the surface of their Communion, as well as the sinking of Dokja's heart. He knows better than anyone to have expected this. A stubborn bastard through and through, and he hates the touch of comfort it brings him. Maybe some things have changed, but not all. ]
You're still the same idiot bastard.
[ The Yoo Joonghyuk who made it possible for Kim Dokja to live. ]
So don't do anything stupid before I get there.
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[ It's low yet so heated. In the end, no matter how much he misses Dokja, he's still upset. He can't forget the anger, or else he wouldn't be able to raise his blade.
A sense that Joonghyuk thinks that Dokja must have done plenty of stupid stuff since he came here. When has Dokja not? He thinks back to how he escaped to the 73rd Demon Realm, taking on his name, masquerading as him... Yes, it was useful, but trouble all the same. ]
... How did you imagine us living with that conclusion? Tell me.
[ What was the vision? What was his life supposed to be like? ]
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No, he did what he had to do and then refused to look on. ]
I didn't.
[ He's surprisingly honest this time, and maybe it's a selfish answer. Maybe it's not what Yoo Joonghyuk wants to hear, but it's the truth. There wasn't any strength in him to bear witness to a conclusion that didn't include him in it. ]
I trusted that you would all find your way.
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[ They chose regression. Dokja says he knows that and Joonghyuk cements it. In the end, they saw a path back to him… That’s where they saw they belonged, where Dokja continues to deny them.
Right by his side. ]
It wasn’t the wrong path.
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But a group regression... Dokja still can't wrap his head around it. It makes the despair feel that much heavier in his heart, once again bearing the responsibility as the source of their hardships, but underneath that, is the desire to know. This is a story he hadn't been privy to.
He's afraid of the answer. But not so much that he can't quietly ask, ]
... How far did you get...?
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... To the very end. [ In his mind, he can picture that train car, but fortunately this connection is too unstable to share imagery. ] The 1865th regression round was almost perfect.
[ Ultimately, Joonghyuk isn't heartless, but he's pressed enough to withhold detail. ]
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Almost perfect.
It's Dokja's turn for silence, and it stretches on for so very long. His heart aches in such a way that he thinks it could tear itself into countless pieces, scattering them the way he'd wanted himself to when he'd pressed his fingers against the glass of the subway train in a desperate attempt to get the pain to stop. It hurts now more than ever, knowing what they'd done.
And with it, the faintest flicker of longing. ]
It must have been hard for everyone.
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[ The scenarios weren't easy, but they were easier. The pain and suffering inflicted upon them were nothing in comparison to what they had to witness in the train car, the words given to them by that reader's protector.
Sorrow seeps in, deep enough that maybe ghosts of it can be felt through the unstable connection. It's longing returned. ]
You won't change your mind.
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The fragile mental state he's in now. ]
I won't.
[ There's a smile in his voice. Tired, but small and fond. ]
It wouldn't be like me if I did. You know that.
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But it’s all that he’s known, isn’t it? Hope. Despite scattered pieces, the dark abyss, the future he doesn’t know… Hope breaks him, then builds him up again. ]
I’ll drag you home.
[ However many times he needs to—however many times he can. To protect all he should protect, to affirm who he is and his purpose, to live happily like he and their companions rightfully deserve, he will suffer. ]
Heed my warning.
[ Don’t stand in his way. ]
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If anyone could do it, then...
Ah. He catches himself before he thinks about it any more than he already has. Whatever their chances may be, he knows it's not with the Kenoma. ]
I'll see you when I see you.
[ For now, he'll choose to ignore what Joonghyuk says, and he'll cut off their Communion here. ]